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Everything posted by Hekate

  1. Hi, everyone. I'm new here so sorry if this sort of post topic wouldn't belong to this forum. It's sort of a mixture between teenage drama and unexplainable things. I have been experiencing something I have no idea how to take it. I feel blocked about it, like l lack the tools to work it out. So I was wondering if maybe someone could lend a hand. Here's the thing: I have this image from when I was a child of a betlee trying to climb my bedroom wall. I remember hearing the noise of it's legs scratching on the wooden floor and how it would scare a little. I think that when I first heard it, I ran immediately out of my bedroom without knowing what was causing the noise and, since my parents where busy and wouldn't pay attention to me or whatever, I came back and checked what it was. It was, as I said, a beetle, under my desk. This memory comes back every now and then and it is somehow related to a strange sort of feeling, some oddness in my whole being that it's hard for me to determine what triggers it. Some months ago, after having had an episode of having that memory back, I was studying in the library with a "friend", when one morning I found a dead beetle on the floor, next to the table we would always sit, in perfet conditions. It wasn't a common one, not at least one you find regularly living among us, in gardens. It was colourful. I picked it up and when my friend arrived, showed it to him. When our studying session finished, I just left the beetle on the library table and went home. The following day, we were studying again, when my friend suddenly says "Look, your beetle is over there" pointing at the floor. So I went and picked it up again, this time we started talking about it, and it wasn't until he made me see that it wasn't a common thing to find a beetle like that in a library, that I related it to my memory and to that odd feeling. Now, I think it's important to mention that I've always been kind of lonesome, it's hard for me to trust others and that has taken me to lead a rather lonely life. Some years ago, I decided to try and change that, so I started building up some internal strength, meditating and asking for some help (to spirits? to nature? I don't know), to open up and find companionship. This "friend" I study with, showed up two years ago. And with time, I fell in love, for the first time in 28 years. But nothing more than hughs while drunk and too much physical and eye contact, has happened between us. That beetle at the library, somehow made me decide I had to talk to him about what was happening between us. I did, and I fucked it up. I didn't say what I really wanted to say and now we're very apart from each other, and I think that he thinks I find him too invasive of my personal space. Now, I was going to choir last week and while I was going up the stairs to the room where we rehearse, which is in a fourth floor, I passed by the first and I looked casually at a side. I saw this MASSIVE picture hanged on the wall where there was a girl with a beetle, looking EXACTLY the same as the one I found some months ago at the university's library, at the corner of her mouth. I was shocked, since it was just the day before I was talking about this guy and the finding of the beetle with an aunt of mine, after having completely forgoten about that episode after it happened. And what's more, that picture was in the library of that building. I can't help thinking that it is too much to be just chance. Feels like there's something I'm trying to be told but I can´t decipher the message. I have been going around this topic without any luck in the past week. I think one of the things that make me believe that it is important, is that I just can't get over this "friend" of mine. I don't usually let people get so close to me as he got. He's touched so many things inside of me that were completly numbed until he showed up. Now they're revolving about in side, trying to find a way of expressing them selves, driving me mad. I don't know how to make them understand we don't have anyone to express those things, not just yet and how to put them back to sleep. I have the hope that deciphering this message could bring back peace and comfort to my soul, but who knows, maybe it's just about something else that hasn't got anything to do with my "friend". Thanks a lot to all those who take the time to read such a long and personal text and maybe, if someone could give me a hand, maybe suggest things I could do to get clearer messages or to connect to whatever is out there, trying to tell me something, really everything is welcomed. And again, sorry if the post it's out of place here. Cheers to all!
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