Winter is an excellent time for reflection, and I found myself reading past blogs. The one titled "Wings" particularly brought back some memories - memories of why I left my hometown, the forces that propelled me to leave, and forces that still haunt me if I let them.
So much has changed, and for the better. I'm not undamaged by my last few years in my hometown, but I suppose the damage was necessary to move on to something better. I no longer feel dread each day, or like every move is a struggle. I don't feel the pressure of walking on eggshells with each decision I make. My life is no longer of the "sink or swim" variety.
Crazy, how much a person can evolve in just a few years. What's also crazy is how much bravery it takes to leave a sick thing behind when you're attached to it. Sick things - like newly psychotic lovers, only having access to terrible jobs, or having each paycheck feel like you're digging you nails into a cliff to hang on - grow their strong roots deeply into your heart. Cutting those cords hurts greatly, and when you cut and pull them out they leave holes that take a long time to heal. And yet, heal is exactly what they do - it is never worth staying. Staying in that dark place will make you lose yourself.
Looking back on myself a few years ago I realized I was indeed the Lion Girl of my visions. She lives inside of me and maybe always will, but instead of breathing her putrid breath on my face and showing her sickness, she is quiet now like a friendly stranger. I'd like to keep it that way. The inner peace I've found is one I hadn't realized I had forgotten all those years ago. I'm sure turmoil will come again but until that time, I will sit with this peace and know it, grow it in, enjoy it....for its price has been well paid, with my light and my blood.
To anyone suffering through abuse: leave now, before your wings are clipped. You may not have another chance.