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Pain


TobaccoFlower

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I started a job as a security guard. The agency works for many different types of companies - hospitals, parking lots, private residences.... They have me guarding a fracking pad. The enemy. The one place in all the world I'd rather never be.

 

There is so much disturbance in this land, I can barely stand feeling it. Physically, I can feel the ground pulsing beneath my feet as I walk on the hard compacted soil and dirt on my way to the booth each day. I have seen insects die immediately after they spray the roads with "water"...to keep the allergens down. I have seen the types of plants which live near it comfortably....they are not beneficial to this area. The land is soaked in poison and pain.

 

I was sitting in my booth tonight, alone, on a pad that is going to close tomorrow. There is no traffic on site, and I had a chance to talk privately with the land. The wind replied to my song very easily, and with it, it carried a unusually high vibration - the disturbance, perhaps? The top of the land was stifled, with a dense, empty feeling. Silent on the surface, yet a deep unsettled feeling beneath. It felt like the quiet I imagine one would feel at the bottom of the ocean - heavy, pressurized, overwhelming.

 

I talked with the soil and the spirits who could hear me through it, and told them I would do everything in my power to stop this, that I was working on it, that I was dedicating my life to trying my damnedest to stop it, that I was already a few years into having the education I would need to start chipping away at the iron fist of this industry. I received a strong feeling while I was talking... it felt like I was being listened to, but also as if I was being pitied. Perhaps not much can be done? Perhaps it is indeed too late? Perhaps we humans have dug our graves, after all. The life on the surface is dying, but will eventually bounce back. The land below is cracking, but will eventually be stable once again. Perhaps we are indeed the ones who need pitied, and perhaps the pain I feel is not from the earth after all.

 

The future may be very grave indeed.

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I think the last bit of your post tells a bit more of where it takes me, my sense of pain is not for the land it is for people.  We are only doing what is in our nature to do and now we are overpopulated and invasive.  I think the effects of the anthropocene are part of the natural course of life on this planet, it is my views and it may not necessarily be a popular one, that it is completely natural for the upright ape to do what it does including splitting atoms and stripping mountains.  In no way does that mean I condone or support fracking and other envirovore activities, I'd much rather see more effective renewable ways of energy to flourish.  The truth is that right now there aren't many viable options; the good news is that there will be soon...but being envirovore is what makes our species prolific...when we're done with this planet we will probably do it to another one unless we find a different course of behavior.   I think the worst thing I can do is take it personally when I feel empathetic pains for human activity, it doesn't do anyone any good.

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Indeed, humans and whatever paths they walk are all part of nature - there is nothing truly foreign about what is happening. I think my reaction to the poisoning and the sheer level of death and change is a purely emotion and highly anthropomorphic one. That being said, I am definitely feeling it and it's fucking with a lot of stuff in my life - my health, technology, my practice, etc. I'm trying to work on growing with it, or blocking it out, or doing something to overcome the intensity of it. Feeling it this sharply is only hurting me, mostly, especially because it is coming on unwillingly, like grief or something similar. On a brighter note, it's really driving my desire to continue with my education so I can do what I can to nail the industry to the wall...so perhaps some good will come from it.

 

I do hope that humans can keep with the curve, rise above this, and work more peacefully with the rest of the world. Our kind is propagating an awful lot of bad blood (what's new, I guess?). No matter how fast we can change to meet our own needs as a species, I think the coming effects of destruction are unavoidable.

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I know what you are feeling. I have the same here in Tidewater, where I grew up. I fell into the river once as a child and the pollution gave me a rash. Even in the twenties it was illegal to eat anything from the river once called Abundance because it was all poisoned. The spirits are, at best, cranky. One thing I have found, that comes close to pleasing them, is names. Give the land the names of the persons who own the pad. They hired you to guard this piece of land, after all. Perhaps in that, more and better has been wrought than they knew.

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