Something Michele and others have said recently has been pricking me. And I'm not sure how to approach it.
I love this path. I love the intricacy, the mystery, the potential. I like that I can make it what I need. I like that it's only me, without having to defer to anyone else who claims to have authority. I love the symbolism, the actions, the thought-processes. And I have to admit that I like being a little different from those around me.
But sometimes, I worry that I'm not really what I claim to be. And I don't know if this is because I'm by nature insecure, or if it's my cynicism, or if I'm just blind as hell. I sometimes think that I have no power whatsoever, that I'm going through the motions, and that in the end, I'm just not a witch at all. That I'm seeing what I want to see, creating self-fulfilling prophecies, playing witch.
And it might be a twinge of jealousy. Because I read people's posts about things that have happened to them, talents they have, and I think to myself that I have never had these experiences before. Am I just attracted to the craft because I want to be different? I can't do what they do, does that make me a wannabe? Am I deluding myself? Seriously.
And I'm afraid to really find the core of these questions because the answer might just break my heart. I went through the same process with Christianity. Once I got to the core of the questions, I realized that I didn't believe the doctrines, though I truly respected the teachings.
I've had some experiences that really blew me away. But nothing that can't be explained elsehow. I can feel power, I think, but I can't prove it outside of my feelings, which might be tainted by desire.
And perhaps I've just not found my "gift" yet. I haven't figured out how I fit.
I think I'd just like to feel certain about something. Finally.