Posted 24 January 2013 - 03:33 AM
Oh, if only....I know some of this has been echoed before by other people in the thread (especially the point re: books not being absolute); clearly we all needed a good rattling of the head at some point.
Dear Younger Self, No More Than 4....That man you saw that night in your room the night the power went out was real, and he did not mean to frighten you, he just wanted to comfort you because the sudden dark terrified you, who couldn't sleep without a nightlight. That was the last time you ever truly SAW something more than a shadow or flicker; fear clouds judgment.
Dear Younger Self, About 8....Your tiny, tiny toy definitely got lost under the shelf at the big department store, and Mom and Dad were not the ones who snuck it back in your pocket, where you discovered it when you got home, depressed that your parents wouldn't help you look for your toy because the store was so crowded. You should've thanked Them, but I wager They understood that you were grateful. Still, manners: They go a looooooong way.
Dear Younger Self, Near 14....Dear heart, you're not crazy. You are not hallucinating. You are not living in an escapist fantasy. Yes, you have problems, but the stuff you hear and see and know....that's not part of it at all. Denying it might be causing the problems, but the actual hearing and seeing and knowing...that's not.
Dear Younger Self, Age 17...When you try to talk to a God/dess and get an image that they're on vacation, that doesn't mean you're not worthy or that you're just making shit up - it means you need to find different, 'On Duty' folks to talk to. Don't give up.
Dear Younger Self, Year 23...I know it's hard to believe, but damn, books are not EVERYTHING. The stuff you hear and see and know and feel? Look at that for answers, stop trying to find things in books and forums and blogs hoping to find an explanation that fits or at least resembles what you're experiencing. Even if you show two people the same green book, their eyes will not process the green color exactly the same and one will in reality see it a different shade than th other person - and they are both right. Stop trying to find validation in others. And that bitch who ran a meditation exercise for you and a group of other ladies and outright MOCKED your telling of your journey/experience because it didn't match any of their experiences or expectations, causing everyone else to laugh at you and dismiss your experience? Yeah, her...pity her - she was going by the books, and hadn't learned to think outside the pages yet.
Me, 29, kind of abashed that it took so long to learn all this and wishing someone had told me it would all be ok.