I want to thank one and all.

[CelticGypsy]

As we move into the last quarter of this year - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the

past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

 

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

 

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

 

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

 

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

 

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

 

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites me.

 

 

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting to grab me as I bend down to pick it up.

 

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

 

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

 

Oh, by the way.....

 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

 

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

 

THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL!...................

[Firebird]

As we move into the last quarter of this year - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the

past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

 

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

 

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

 

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

 

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

 

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

 

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites me.

 

 

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting to grab me as I bend down to pick it up.

 

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

 

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

 

Oh, by the way.....

 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

 

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

 

THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL!...................

 

OMG I am ROFPMSL :roflhard:

[Guest Alayna]

OMG I am ROFPMSL :roflhard:

 

 

Ain't it all the truth.....

Alayna

[Mountain Witch]

:roflhard: :roflhard:

[ejfinch]

That was great!!! Hilarious! :rofl:

[Abhainn]

Thank you for that!!! Facebook is getting to be this way, too. Click "like" if you are_______________. Or repost. Or whatever....

[Dawn]

Excellent!!! Really made me laugh, thank you !!!!!!!!!!!