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My 2009 "Holiday News Letter"


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Ever get one of those annoying Christmas letters? Remember in the old days they were mimeographed? Well I'd love to make one up about the Swine Flu Season In Toronto!


It's been great, in the last two weeks we went through 19 boxes of kleenex, 36 rolls of toilet paper, 5 gallons of chicken soup, provided by sister who knocked on the door, yelled "your soup" set the pot down and ran. We had green slime coming out of our nose, throat and eyes. We've used the "snot pot" - looks like a little teapot that you cram up one nostril with your head hanging over the sink to flush out all kinds of multicolored crap, eaten enough antibiotics to clear up all the communicalble diseases in Bangladesh, put drops in our ears, eyes and sprayed things up our noses. Didnt wash much or shave at all, and were both a strange grey green color with black and purple rings around our eyes. Some nights we coughed so much that we could only sleep 20 minutes at a stretch, of course these were never the SAME nights for us both so we took turns keeping each other, and the neighbours, awake. We both discovered that, being in our 50's, coughing that hard for that long can make you pee yourself! Someone hung a skull and crossbones on our door! The doctor's office receptionist nearly fainted when she saw us, pulled her sweater over her mouth and nose and threw 2 masks at us and ran from the room. The doctor said "Eeuuuwww nasty" when he saw us and after shoving an extra long q-tip in a nostril till it nealy came out of our mouths, hurridly scribbled some prescriptions and threw them on the table. As HE ran from the room he said "if it gets worse, don't come back here!". I'm sure I saw him stripping off his clothes and lighting a fire in the trash can as we left.


I need to call a Hazmat team in to clean up the apartment, and today I used my purloined shopping cart (city life you know) to take six loads of laundry down to wash. Im sure the washing machines screamed as I put it in. The mouse who runs under our front door every evening, runs behind the tv and runs out again peeked in the other night and turned around and left. I saw fear in his eyes and that night I dreamed I was in the middle ages with some guy going down the street yelling "Bring out your dead!"


In about three weeks, the skin around my nostrils should grow back and hopefully my lips will change back from grey to pink. I hope to be able to hear again by mid January. We've lost a combined total of 12 pounds, so all hasn't been for nothing. I'll be happy when people stop asking "are you on chemo?", "how long do you have?" and "Holy shit what happened to you?".


But beginning Sunday, it will all be better! we have to spend 7 days here:




Russ, of course, has his union guy duties to attend to but I have mine as well...


My duties each day will be:

Sleep late.

Go for a sauna.


Take a nap.

Go out to lunch.

Take another nap.

Spend a couple of hours on line.

Dress up.

Go out to dinner.

Return to hotel to schmooze and Party.


Repeat for the next day.


So that's the highlight of our 2009 really. There aren't any kids to excell at school, be cheeleaders or make the team. The dog/cat didnt have any litters of adorable puppies/kittens, we were to poor to take a vacation and the car needs new tires. No doubt it will begin to snow like a bastard soon enough and we will be cursing the frozen north till next summer when our 15th floor west facing apartment peaks out at 106F for a couple of weeks!


Happiness and Joy to all of our friends for 2010!

Edited by ValarieAnne
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:lolol: I love it, and the best part of it is.. you know anyone whom recieves this by regular mail will pick it up swiftly with a pair of tongs.. toss it in the garbage or the fire.. and begin sanitizing everything from themselves to the mail box..lmao..


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OMG....roflmao.......I've got to make a copy and make some minor changes!!!!! After what I just went thru..........I just pissed myself laughing!!!!!:wasntme:

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