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Random thoughts:


Wyrd

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Some are funny...

 

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

 

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

 

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

 

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

 

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

 

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

 

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

 

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

 

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

 

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

 

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

 

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

 

Map-Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

 

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

 

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

 

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

 

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

 

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

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Some are funny...

 

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

 

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

 

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

 

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

 

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

 

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

 

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

 

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

 

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

 

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

 

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

 

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

 

Map-Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

 

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

 

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

 

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

 

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

 

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

 

This is absolutely fucking hilarious. And it is all TRUE!!!! ROFL, don't know how many times I've done some of these things!!

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