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There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

 

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

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old Bear is in the woods , takin a dump, he looks around and sees old rabbit and ask "rabbit do you have a problem with shit stickin to your fur?" to which old rabbit replies "why no, not at all." To which old bear picks up rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles

per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce lawyer,

suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice,

 

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I

want a divorce."

 

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly

increases her speed to 45 mph.

 

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've

been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better

lover than you are."

 

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly

and slowly increases the speed to 55.

 

The husband confidently says, "I want the house."

 

The wife knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce

proceeding. Up to 60.

 

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

 

"And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the

boat."

 

The car veers towards a massive concrete bridge.

 

This makes the husband nervous, so he asks her: "Is there anything you

want?"

 

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've

got everything I need." she says.

 

"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"

 

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him

and smiles.

 

 

 

 

"The airbag."

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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Pentecostal:

Only one.

Hands already in the air.

 

Presbyterian:

None.

Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

 

Catholic:

None.

Candles only.

 

Southern Baptist:

At least 15.

One to change the light bulb, and

three committees to approve the change

and decide who brings the potato salad.

 

Episcopalian:

Three.

One to call the electrician,

one to mix the drinks, and

one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

 

Mormon:

Five.

One man to change the bulb and

four wives to tell him how to do it.

 

Methodist:

Undetermined.

Whether your light is

bright, dull, or

completely burned out, you are loved.

You can be a

light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.

Church-wide lighting service is planned

for Sunday.

Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

 

Nazarene:

Six.

One woman to replace the bulb while

five men review church guide on lighting policy.

 

Lutheran:

None.

Lutherans don't believe in change.

 

Church of Christ:

They do not use light bulbs because

there is no evidence of their use

in the New Testament.

 

Unitarian:

We choose not to make a statement either

in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.

However, if in your own journey you have found

that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.

You are invited to write a poem or compose

a modern dance about your bulb for next

Sunday's service, during which we will explore

a number of light bulb traditions, including

incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life,

and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths

to luminescence.

 

Amish:

What's a light bulb?

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There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

 

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

 

ROFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

 

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

 

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

 

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

 

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

 

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

 

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

 

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

 

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

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old Bear is in the woods , takin a dump, he looks around and sees old rabbit and ask "rabbit do you have a problem with shit stickin to your fur?" to which old rabbit replies "why no, not at all." To which old bear picks up rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

 

EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWww but funny as hell...no wait...double EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW got an image of the rabbit now LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Pentecostal:

Only one.

Hands already in the air.

 

Presbyterian:

None.

Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

 

Catholic:

None.

Candles only.

 

Southern Baptist:

At least 15.

One to change the light bulb, and

three committees to approve the change

and decide who brings the potato salad.

 

Episcopalian:

Three.

One to call the electrician,

one to mix the drinks, and

one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

 

Mormon:

Five.

One man to change the bulb and

four wives to tell him how to do it.

 

Methodist:

Undetermined.

Whether your light is

bright, dull, or

completely burned out, you are loved.

You can be a

light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.

Church-wide lighting service is planned

for Sunday.

Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

 

Nazarene:

Six.

One woman to replace the bulb while

five men review church guide on lighting policy.

 

Lutheran:

None.

Lutherans don't believe in change.

 

Church of Christ:

They do not use light bulbs because

there is no evidence of their use

in the New Testament.

 

Unitarian:

We choose not to make a statement either

in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.

However, if in your own journey you have found

that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.

You are invited to write a poem or compose

a modern dance about your bulb for next

Sunday's service, during which we will explore

a number of light bulb traditions, including

incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life,

and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths

to luminescence.

 

Amish:

What's a light bulb?

 

LOL!!!!!!

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Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

 

Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.

 

Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fucking there beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

 

Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

 

When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

 

Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."

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The other day four women went to the "Ladies Night Club" in Toronto. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of them so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to them, she licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

 

Not to be outdone, the second lady pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek!

 

In another attempt to impress the ladies, the third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over and licks the bill. The forth woman is worried about how things are going, but the third just sticks it to his butt cheek.

 

The forth's relief was short lived though. Seeing how things were going, the guy gyrates over to the forth woman. Now everyone's attention is on her and the guy was egging her on, trying to get her to top the $50.

 

Her brain was churing as she reached for her wallet. What could she do? Then the marketer in her took over! She got out her bank card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks and went home!

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?"

 

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

 

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey."

 

The child seems to comprehend. "I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

 

"Jewelry, my dear, Jewelry."

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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers. After tasting, the children began to say:

 

" Red...........cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

"Orange........orange,"

 

Finally the teacher gave each child an "all honey" Lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. "Well, I'll give you all a clue;" said the teacher. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

 

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:

 

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington, DC recently was faced with a unique problem.

 

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

 

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort as required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

 

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

 

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice,

"Skippy!".

 

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".

 

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

Priest asks "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is"

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well

tell me now"

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say," Timmy replied.

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her"

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But

you've sinned

and you must atone. You cannot attend church Mass for three months.

Be off with you now"

Timmy walks back to his pew.

His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers "What'd you get?"

"THREE MONTH'S VACATION AND FIVE GOOD LEADS."

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

 

After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says,

"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".

 

The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten

minutes!"

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A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and

orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a

sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to

the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the

cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste

better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in

Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in

Arkansas,

we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank

 

together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for

myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same

way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she

comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and

fall

silent.

When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender

says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her

eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains,

"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to

quit drinking..... Hasn't affected my sisters though."

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Steve and Dave were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Steve said, "I'm an underwear stitcher, I sew the elastic onto women's panties.

 

The clerk looked up "underwear stitcher" and found it classified as unskilled labor. She told Steve that he would receive $300 a week in unemployment benefits.

 

Then it was Dave's turn. When asked his occupation he said "diesel fitter". Since diesel fitter was skilled work, Dave would get $600 per week.

 

When Steve found out, he stormed back into the office to compalin. The clerk explained that Steve was an unskilled laborer, while Dave was a skilled worker.

 

"Skilled?" said Steve. "What skill? I sew the elastic on the panties. Then Dave holds them up and says "Yup, diesel fitter."

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An old rancher came into town, tied his horse up outside the saloon, went around to the rear of the horse, lifted its tail and planted a big wet kiss right on the horses ass. He then went into the saloon and ordered a whiskey.

 

Well the bartender had watched him and just had to ask, "Why on earth would you tie up your horse, then kiss it right on the ass?"

 

The rancher replied, "Chapped lips."

 

"Chapped lips!", exclaimed the bartender, "Does kissing a horse's arse cure chapped lips?"

 

The rancher said, "Well now, it may not cure chapped lips, but it sure keeps you from lickin' em!"

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A woman goes to the employment office. Shw writes on the application that she was a prostitute. The clerk said to her, "You can't write that on the form! That's not a legal profession. What else have you done?"

 

The prostitute writes down "rooster farmer"

 

The clerk says, "Are you really a rooster farmer?"

 

She says, "Not really, but I raised a thousand cocks last year!"

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