Random jokes and humour

[Llyr]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and say that whatever you hit was the target. 

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 

Edited October 5, 2016 by Llyr

[Llyr]

A vacationing American businessman standing on the pier of a quaint coastal fishing village in southern Mexico watched as a small boat with just one young Mexican fisherman pulled into the dock. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. Enjoying the warmth of the early afternoon sun, the American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.

 

"How long did it take you to catch them?" the American casually asked.

"Oh, a few hours," the Mexican fisherman replied.

"Why don't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" the American businessman then asked.

The Mexican warmly replied, "With this I have more than enough to meet my family's needs."

The businessman then became serious, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

Responding with a smile, the Mexican fisherman answered, "I sleep late, play with my children, watch ball games, and take siesta with my wife. Sometimes in the evenings I take a stroll into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, sing a few songs..."

The American businessman impatiently interrupted, "Look, I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you to be more profitable. You can start by fishing several hours longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra money, you can buy a bigger boat. With the additional income that larger boat will bring, before long you can buy a second boat, then a third one, and so on, until you have an entire fleet of fishing boats."

Proud of his own sharp thinking, he excitedly elaborated a grand scheme which could bring even bigger profits, "Then, instead of selling your catch to a middleman you'll be able to sell your fish directly to the processor, or even open your own cannery. Eventually, you could control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this tiny coastal village and move to Mexico City, or possibly even Los Angeles or New York City, where you could even further expand your enterprise."

Having never thought of such things, the Mexican fisherman asked, "But how long will all this take?"

After a rapid mental calculation, the Harvard MBA pronounced, "Probably about 15-20 years, maybe less if you work really hard."

"And then what, señor?" asked the fisherman.

"Why, that's the best part!" answered the businessman with a laugh. "When the time is right, you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions? Really? What would I do with it all?" asked the young fisherman in disbelief.

The businessman boasted, "Then you could happily retire with all the money you've made. You could move to a quaint coastal fishing village where you could sleep late, play with your grandchildren, watch ball games, and take siesta with your wife. You could stroll to the village in the evenings where you could play the guitar and sing with your friends all you want."

The moral of the story is: Know what really matters in life, and you may find that it is already much closer than you think.

[Llyr]

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for £250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. 

The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

 

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

 

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

 

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

 

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

 

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

 

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

 

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

 

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

 

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five pounds a piece and made a profit of £2250.’

 

The farmer said, ‘Didn't anyone complain?’

 

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five pounds back.’

 

Chuck grew up and works now for the government.

Edited October 5, 2016 by Llyr

[Llyr]

An atheist was walking through the woods. 
  

'What majestic trees!' 
'What powerful rivers!' 
'What beautiful animals!' 
he said to himself .

As he was walking alongside the river, he

heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. 
He turned to look.  He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear

charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. 
 
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. 
 
He tripped & fell on the ground. 
 
He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him, and was

reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

 

 

At that instant moment, the atheist cried out: 
'Oh, my God!' 
  
Time stopped. 
The bear froze. 
The forest was silent. 
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and

even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 
 
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?' 
 
'Am I to count you as a believer?' 
  
The atheist looked directly into the light and said:

'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now.

But perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?' 
  
'Very well,' said the voice. 
  
The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &

spoke:

 

'Lord bless this food which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ

our Lord, Amen.'

 

[Llyr]

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol 


This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jet fire. 


These are her own words.: 

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. 

She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. 

 

If I had not had my little Beretta Jet fire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. 
 

It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. 

I love that pistol. I'll find other boyfriends. 

[Llyr]

Some Tim Vine classics.

 

I ate a chessboard the other day, so I took it back to the shop and I said...... "It's stalemate."

 

He said "Are you sure"?

 

I said "Checkmate".

 

 

 

Last month I went on a once in a life time holiday.

I tell you what, never again.

 

 

 

I saw a man on the road yesterday throw all of his scrabble letters of the floor.

I said to him "What's the word on the street?"

 

Then he started to throw words at me that begin with the letter T.

I managed to doge "This There and Then" but I didn't see "That" coming.

 

 

 

Yesterday I went on a yacht and was steering it with my stomach muscles.

That's right I went ab sailing.

 

 

 

The other week I almost got lost in the jungle.

Luckily I had a compass with me so I was able to draw perfect circles with a pencil.

 

 

 

BNAG.

That's bang out of order.

 

 

 

 

I went to the Doctors the other day and said "Doctor I can't help getting drunk when I travel from country to country."

He said "You are boarder line alcoholic."