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How to Build a Witch


Raineylane

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Excerpt from: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Practice_Witchcraft

 

See full article for more facinating information on witchcraft!

 

 

 

How to Build a Witch Raw materials

Obtain at least two human cadavers (preferably of normal build and height for an adult female). These can be purchased for a reasonable price at your neighborhood PIMP.(Outright theft of a dead body is strongly discouraged, simply because if you are caught, people may get the wrong idea about your personal lifestyle.) Select the corpse that seems in best overall condition and set the others aside for spare parts.

Tip

The foulness of exuding odors is a fair indication of the overall freshness of the corpse; use your best judgment here.

Carefully examine the prospective corpse for any signs of missing limbs, abnormal wear-and-tear, and/or fungus growth. If you happen to notice large warts and a superfluous third boob, so much the better because these will increase the market value of your new witch. (Alternatively, a third boob may be transferred from a spare corpse, but such alteration is easily detected by experienced collectors and is generally frowned upon.)

Replace any missing arms or legs from your stock of spare parts, and weld the joints to prevent future dislocation. Small patches of fungus may be removed by vigorous sandpapering, but may have to be excised with a chisel if the growth is too deep, and refilled with spackle paste.

Using a large pair of pliers, extract any remaining teeth, fingernails, and toenails; these extra parts may be saved for future construction projects.

Assembly

Purchase a sufficient supply of plastic Halloween vampire fangs and a complete set of Lee's™ press-on fingernails and toenails. Apply fangs and nails with a liberal slathering of Elmer's glue and allow to dry overnight.

Tip

Having trouble finding ping-pong balls? No problem; last year's unused Easter eggs can be substituted for scary eyeballs, and at minimal cost!

Attach a false nose to the center of the face. The use of a long gnarly carrot is recommended, provided that it can be adequately supported by either a long piece of elastic, or firmly adhered with duct tape. Replace eyes with two suitably painted ping-pong balls. Mousse and style hair (or attach a frizzy wig if the supply of hair seems inadequate).

Presentation and touch-ups

Insert the body of your new witch in a fetching black evening gown, spiked high heels, and a tall pointy black hat with a wide brim (available from Wal-Mart at low, low prices).

Apply a generous quantity of vivid green paint to all exposed fleshy surfaces. Caution is recommended here to notify the film development crew in advance that the witches natural coloring is, in fact, supposed to be green (issue a set of suitable color swatches for proper lighting calibration).

Congratulations!

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a witch. May you rot in hell, heretic.

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Every fashionable Witch, including one composed of cadaver parts, would naturally mousse and style his or her hair.  I would also suggest some 'teasing' to get that full bodied, Elvira-ish look. 

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