I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

It's simple, focused, determined. Like I need to be. I like it for that reason. It doesn't occur to me often, but it hit today while I was at work. Prolly cuz I was mostly bored.

I am becoming increasingly aware that my life as it has been has been primarily determined by my fear. . . .fear of others, what they might think, fear of disappointing them, so on and so forth. My parents always made a big deal about how my sister had disappointed them, and it had a definite effect on me. Then, when she died, I made it my life's mission to do everything she never did, all for the sake and praise of my parents.

So here we are, 20 years after my sister's death, and I haven't done a damned thing I said I would and/or done things I said I wouldn't. Haven't finished school, married, had a child, and am now seperated on the way to divorce. And it is just now, in this time of total disorientation, that I'm starting to find happiness. Two things are at the center of this, I believe: the total reliance on no one but myself, and the freedom to pursue what I see now as a true path for me.

The fear hasn't disappeared. . .far from it. It is more prominent than ever in my life. The difference is, I no longer care. . . to a point. I no longer feel like I have to hide who I am or what I believe, nor do I feel the need to explain or justify those parts of myself that aren't "normal." I am able to deal with whether or not people accept me for who I am. . .mostly.

My one sticking point is my mother. And a lot of that is based in the guilt I have felt. . .or been made to feel over the last 20 years by her. She is "the" martyr, with everyone and everything operating against her. Nothing is ever her fault, and she is always turning things around on whoever is the closest target, usually me. This particular feature has become increasingly more obnoxious since she became a Jehovah's Witness. They are forever being persecuted. . .and she's taken that persecution to a personal level. But I digress . . .

Because of this languishing guilt I feel for/towards my mother, I don't feel that I can truly be who and what I want. It is the fear of her reaction, the fear of her disappointment, that I don't feel able to be who I want to be. I can't discuss politics with her, much less "come out of the broom closet." The fear of her disappointment is not as important as it once was. . .it's the fear of her reaction, specifically the fear of her trying to take my son away from me. She is overly attached to him, almost like she wants him to be her own. I'm weaning her away from him.

. . . .and because I turned on History of the World Pt. 1, I have completely and totally lost my train of thought.

Damn.