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CailinRua's Blog

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Shedding my skin, the year of loss and swelling potential



So here is this enormously overdue blog. I will keep it brief for now, as I have some catching up to do in the forums. I was gone for awhile, focusing on my tremendously grueling semester at school and handling a realization that has set off a massive chain reaction, within me, and thus my life as a whole. This year has been horrible, but I know that right now I am the proverbial goo within the cocoon, I will never be the same again and for this I am thankful. I am in so much pain, but I knew what had to be done, and I know what needs to be done next. I am ready and waiting for the exact right time.


What has happened is this. After a series of unfortunate events, experienced for the first time with open eyes instead of just acceptance, I realized a particular drain on my energy. it was consistent, and the very same one I could never place for years. A greedy sucking void obscured beneath the surface. I could never point to its source of vocalize its effects. It was all "in the past", It was my 'normal'. The reality was the "past" never stopped happening with this individual, names simply changed, tactics refined, relentlessly, covertly. Its all very obvious in hindsight, but I had to make a choice. Do I cut this cord and risk whats mine? Do I cut this cord and take whats mine? Do I allow and continue feeling eroded, do I let societal expectations dictate what I put up with? Is this compassionate? Does compassion matter when this person has always been exploitative and abusive to me? Am I in the right? I have found, none of this matters. What matters is my ability to move forward and to live. And so that is what I am doing, on my own terms and unapologetically.


Within weeks I had begun feeling better. I have done no special working yet, because the rest of my life is in overhaul as well. Timing is paramount. I have broken up with my long term SO, because that, too, was a toxic, lopsided relationship (though, of a 'normal' variety. the kind you can put your finger on. the kind that is not insidious, but born of incompatibility) . I have lost 2 family members. and one ex-lover, who shaped who I am today and woke up a very special part of me I have never fully shared with another since him. He loved the darkest parts of me, and so his death has really shaken my foundation. This year is one of loss for me, I am shedding my skin this year, and along with it so many assumptions about life and death and what it means to be connected to another. However, my backbone has grown in diameter threefold at least. So much of this has come as a surprise to me, almost as much as it surprised the catalyst of this massive purge, this shift in direction I have been waiting for. I didnt see the form it was coming in, but seeing it now, its the only thing that ever made sense.


So, I'll end with that for now. I noticed I am now an official 'member' so I get to finally look that the private section! That makes me smile as I'm sure it will come in handy more than ever now. I have cords to cut, big fat ropey cords. Dark dusty spaces to clear that I wasnt even sure existed (oh but they do, and they are bigger and messier than I could have anticipated), things to bind, and a clear, open start to begin again. This time with fresh eyes and the WHOLE of my energy, and the whole of my awareness. I am ready. Thank you!


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