With ImamSua's encouragement I'm writing a post...
So much has happened in a small space of time since I came back from a visit to my homeland.
When I returned after half a year I knew what I suspected before I left; my heart was no longer there.
I'd grown up in absloute joy of my surroundings. The earth filled me with thrills with each hurried step. No matter where I travelled I'd seek out the wild places; the green glens strewn with bracken, the lochs and lochians which scattered the purple valleys, the weather beaten shells of castles and crofts. There were hills which seemed to scorch grey skies with their silhouettes, age crippled woodland covered in rare mosses, the lone standing stones and circles found quite by accident. There were coasts with rounded rocks larger than cars which from afar resembled pebbled beaches, and waves so high they could swallow houses as they crashed like thunder upon those rocks. And most beloved of all the places were the moors; miles of stretching heather and spongy earth. The barreness unbearable to some, but if they would look carefully they would notice the tiny wild flowers, the pools of dragonflies and nests of lapwings. I can say with some pride few can run through a peat bog moor like I.
I grew up in love with the land. It's barreness, it's bleakness, it's constant moody cloud and misty evening behaviour. It was a place full of mystery, unknown, for the people there rarely explored the land and so you'd find yourself quite alone in a feral place stretching out for miles in every direction. It was an untameable land, though people tried, and from a young age I vowed to remain. My dream was to study the culture, to teach it, to hold the lore and stories close and to live in a lonely, desolate place ravaged by the winds.
When I returned I knew what I'd known before I'd left that my loyalty had diminished. It was never that my admiration for that earth had left me, only that my love had been redirected to the place I now live. And as I learn more about who I am, who I was, and my path, I now see the necessity in this. If I missed my home country I'd want to return and that would fuck everything up.
I guess after this kind of 'acceptance' a lot of things have happened...
A few weeks ago, purely by accident, I found out I had two parasitic entities. I was familiar with these entities- they had first started terrorising me when I was 12. In desperation, unprotected and unable to banish them, I'd requested a pastor my family knew could do an exorcism of my house. He'd apparently removed plenty of spirits from houses, so even though I didn't have faith in god, I thought he might be able to help. After the prayer session I was amazed at the rushing feeling. It was as if the oppression in the surroundings suddenly lifted and fled.
What I didn't know at the time is that they were indeed rushing... into my head!
By dwelling inside me they were able to spend 10 years causing anxiety, self doubt and low self esteem, feeding off my pain. Every time I attempted to do something positive in my life they would bring me down, make me feel worthless and the result would be failure. No matter how hard I tried, how much blood, sweat and tears I poured into something it would ultimately fail due to that self doubt. Eventually I was paralyzed by fear. I couldn't do anything- not even get out of bed, make dinner and tidy up- because I was convinced I would fail. Both male- one with a history of rape, the other a pervert- I believe they took advantage of me in other ways.
My partner had not sensed them before because in his presence they would either vacate me or keep very still in order not to be noticed. But as soon as he left for work, they would paralyze me so that by the time my partner returned I'd done nothing I'd set out to do that day. I thought I was perpetually lazy, and so the cycle of negative thinking and sadness continued.
Their banishment and cursing was a particularly intense affair. On their discovery they immediately attempted to take possession of my partner who thankfully was able to destroy them. In many ways it was a relief, but also a particularly sad experience for knowing I'd spent so many years intensely hating myself all because of them.
I haven't entirely recovered. Habit is very hard to break. But I am finding I have more faith in my abilities. In particular, I'm getting much better at detecting and moving around energy than I was before. I'm having fun taking energy from the forest on my walks, and also whilst driving in the car. Though I haven't mastered it yet I'd like to learn to successfully take energy from a flock of birds to see at which distance I can't keep up (lol, just a little bit! I don't want them having trouble flying!).
I'm also learning to use runes which I'd never before thought myself capable of. And through them I'm learning a lot about my past lives. It's interesting finding the pattern, and learning which traits I've inherited from each life.
I've only been able to share the tip of the iceberg, but yeah, many things have happened in less than a month.