A very personal and intimate entry you have shared with us here. Cancer gallops in my family (my mothers side). Recently when I was experiencing trouble with my left breast my immediate fear went straight to cancer. I also go back to the horrible day that Badger (my Merlin) called me and said "Sue I got the big "c" and I need your help fighting it." There is never an easy way to handle that fear when you think you or a loved one has it. All I can say is that you are loved here by many, just as you are loved by those who surround you outside of this forum.

I do hope the tests all come out clean and please know that if you should ever want to talk...I've got 2 shoulders and 2 good ears :) most of all...I have a heart that can take you in and comfort you as well :)

First of all a big :hugs: for you. My mum has cancer and the worst part for me was waiting for her to have her treatment - thankfully all is going well so far. I wish the best for your dad and am sending positive thoughts for him.

I think maybe ( a little like me) you need to be able to speak your thoughts but not necessarily to your own family ? Kind of just be able to let it out and not worry about upsetting anyone (please tell me if I'm wrong)and thats what we are here for so don't worry or hold back.

Trust yourself and your path and focus on the positive aspect of healing for your dad and have another :hugs: for good measure.

Yes I too am thinking of you and your father :hugs:

Thank you all for the kind words. I do feel loved here, and well surrounded by like minded people. ( lol I wont call myself a witch yet as I dont feel i am there yet haha) I also feel a great deal of gratitude for offering your selves to be my leaning post as it is.

Now as a reply to some of what was said. I want nothing more then to focus this energy I have and am building, toward my father. The only trouble is I am having a very difficult time with this meditation business. I have tried a few different methods but not sure if I actually did anything or if I was just all the while keeping fully contious. I have taken out a few books from the library on how to meditate so I hope between those books and suggestions from friends here and outside of here I will be able to accomplish this meditative state. So if any of you have any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Anjel I might just have to take you up on that shoulder and or ear offer at some point lol. Depends on what all i find out with my Father. I will keep you all posted on what is going on with my father.

I'm absolutely poo at meditating at the moment so I just try focusing really hard on what I want/need.

I really need to get some practise in I either can't shut my mind up or fall asleep LOL

thats what happened to me last night lol. I was trying to do a countdown in my mind while closing my eyes and I fell asleep for the night with my book in my hands and laying on my chest.

First, much love to you and your family at this time. :)

Second, you don't need to be able to meditate in order to focus your energy (that's the good news!!) Grab a photo of your Dad, sit down, and just imagine all of that energy in side you heading straight toward the photo and filling your dad with healthy and healing energy. You heard me *imagine* -- that is how focusing your energy start. Just know that what you imagine WILL happen as you want it to. Imagine you FEEL all of that energy leaving you (you can point your hand at the photo and pretend that the energy is leaving your fingertip) and that as the energy leaves you, it converts to healing healthy energy that will fill and surround your Dad.

If you can only do it for 30 seconds, fine -- do it for 30 seconds. Go back later and do it again. Picture what's going on, feel the energy leaving you -- direct it where to go, and voila! You're doing it!

As you learn more and more about focusing your energy (and as you do it more and more) there is less chance of it getting away from you.

You can do this -- even if it feels like imagining it at first -- that's how you tell your energy where to go (you have to imagine it in order to do it!)

Also, if you want to learn to meditate, don't do it in bed, and don't do it right before sleep. You will fall asleep most of the time. Practice in a straight-backed chair in the early evening. That way, you won't slip into slumber. (Heck, I meditate in bed at night when I have insomnia because I *know* the combo of bed and meditation will send me right off! :D )

*hugs*

PS: Sorry that was so abrupt, but I have to run out and wanted to get all of my thoughts down! ;)

Thanks for the tip and idea, I will try and attempt that tonight. And no not in bed lol. I learned that the hard way. One trouble I have in sitting in a straight back chair is while im trying to focus on anything at all my lower back starts throbing and when that happens it is hard for me to focus on anything at all. But I will give it another go tonight along with a heating pad and see how that helps.

Amen on the back pain -- my posture isn't all that it should be so it's a bit of a struggle to find a comfy position for me, too. If you have to, use a lumbar support or pillow at the small of your back.