I just spent a good hour writing in my journal. Recently I have been scouring the forums like a thing possessed, gobbling down the words like an addict, and the end result was that I just felt mixed up and confused. Although what I've read has been fascinating and useful, my mind felt blurry and unfocused. I've been scared I'm missing something, so I've been trying to cover as much ground as I can think of, following up everything.
With so many possibilities for learning it's hard to know where to begin. I was going to say, "I wish things would be more clear", but actually what I wish is that I could see more clearly. All of the messages are there, I just don't know how to read them yet.
In my journal I worked out my insecurities and tried to figure out where I really am on my path. I realised I am at the very beginning. For all I've read about different paths, for all I've "tried them on" -- that knowledge has value, but only because it is in itself knowledge. One of the key phrases in a book series I love is, "All knowledge is worth having", and I firmly believe that. But for all the knowledge I've gained, it hasn't moved me forward. I'm still at the very beginning.
In a way that's exciting, in another it's intimidating. What if I screw up? The only thing left to me is to just... have faith. Put trust in my intuition, and the little I do know.
I know that the woods pull me in deeper. I know that I could never live anywhere other than a coastline. I know that the weather pulls at me. I know that I'm drawn to the elements; I've been fascinated by them ever since I found out what they were (thanks, Pokemon). I know that I can feel the life in every living thing, every leaf and root and branch, and that the dead leaves me feeling hollow, so much so that I became vegetarian. I know that I desperately need to learn how to manipulate energy so that I can stop being buffeted by every damn thing that happens around me spiritually/emotionally/don't know what word to use.
But I'm right at the start. For all my knowledge, this is all I really actually know, deep in my bones and blood. This is my beginning. Everything that came before now is just... I don't even know. Superfluous.
I don't really know how to wind this up, so: Hello.
I'm glad to be here.