Everyone has what some call a "shadow self". This is the darker (for lack of a better word) side of your inner self. Some people are controlled by this shadow, others try to ignore it and be something else. The latter rarely meets with any success because the shadow self will find ways to manifest when you try to ignore it. The goal would be integration or learning some balance so that you can make this a valuable addition to your everyday life.
I have always been somewhat dark natured, in my practices I tend to lean toward what some would call the dark side. I do well with banishing, hexing, cursing and vengance because it seems to come naturally and resonates with who I am. However, being a firm believer of balance, I do work with the opposite as well, though I must admit.....not in balance. So recently I decided to try to balance this out. It did not go well. I choose to focus only on the helpful, the positive. To focus on positive energy, positive thoughts, try to control my shadow self or at least, choke it back. This would look something like "harming none" or "turning the other cheek" or "hakuna metata". If you have ever met me, you would KNOW this is NOT me. I am the girl kids in school came to when they wanted to know how to get back at someone, the woman that people come to when they want to know how to even the playing field with their cheating, lying boyfriend. Fluffy I am not!
Anyway, my experience was this. The more I tried to be sunny and bright, helpful and loving....the worse my life became. Everything that could have gone wrong...did. Suddenly I found myself depressed and having one problem after another being thrown my way. These were BIG problems, not little ones like the car not starting or the cat getting out. These were problems that could have ended my business, my career, the possibility of loosing my home, my kids began to suffer with trouble at school, fights etc. I knew this was my shadow making sure that I remembered who I am. I am a fighter, someone who has always balanced a very intimidating lifestyle, been able to overcome things that would have killed most people.
I didnt understand what was going on at first. I mean....we all hear you get what you send (though I have never ever believed that) and I was sending only positive. Then it occured to me! It isn't what you send, it is being true to you are. Some people are naturaly positive and filled with love and that is their true being. I am not saying that I am not happy and loving, but to me, those have there place and time. I am driven, motivated, ambitious, strong and extremly outspoken, A true type A personality. I am a fighter, someone who can jump hurdles and manage an extremly hectic schedule and lifestyle. Those are not the qualties of someone who is loving and kind to all things at all times. I have been described as being The Queen of Swords in nature.
What I learned was that when I tried to be something I was not (light in nature) my life began throwing bolders at my head until I did what came naturally......fought back with a vengance. I would love to say that the world went normal overnight when I came to this realization, but alas....I had big bolders in my path by then and had to knock them out one by one. Still working on it.
The lesson here may be that in addition to having some semblance of balance in ourselves, the universe also needs that balance. Some of us were meant to be filed with love and send out all the sunny and lovely. Some of us were not. Once I returned to who I really am, bolders stopped being flung at my head. It takes time to deal with the mess that is created, so my thought is...just dont do it in the first place. Be true to who you really are.
I will leave the light and sunny to those that have it within them. I will never be fluffy again :)