Everything is changing completely before my eyes. I have applied to an honours program for this fall. My boyfriend plans to cross the Atlantic to attend law school at the same time. I will have to move from our current (beloved) apartment, out of financial necessity, when he leaves. Maybe leaving our home behind will make the distance seem less and might cover what's raw with it's silver lining. I can hope.
I have spent two years in limbo since my last chosen path erroded under my feet. After 3 years of school and a mound of debt, followed by a year and a half of anxiety-induced eating disorder and insomnia, (brought on by work environments not suited to me) limbo feels more secure. It's not pleasant, but at least the paycheque is consistant, right? My debt is paid, but my doubt is not entirely extinguished; chosing again and living with it is not as easy as I thought it might be.
Fear is not helping me forward, but it feels comfortable when facing the unknown... alone. I want courage for the solitary journey I'm facing. I want to sit with the discomfort and the anxiety; I want to not be afraid, to chase the doubt away.
I will start from scratch to find a living space and build a new home for myself. I will develop my own rituals and routines all over again, and alone. I will reserve a space for T and for the future unfolding, while staying focused on and confident in the present. I hope I find more Me...