So I look at the top of my screen and it kindly informs me that I last visited on 4 November 2007. It is now the 29th, and it feels like all of 2007 has been crammed into these short weeks.
Searching searching, always searching. I guess it's what I've always done, and now I've been professionally trained to do. Be skeptical, question everything, dig deep for the answers to questions you're unaware of. I'm great at that...except for when it comes to my own self. I guess that's the biggest puzzle of all.
I find I'm wrestling with myself when I should have no quarrel for once at all. A lot of time has been spent alone, the computer down, the phone off, the TV blank, the music pounding in my ears. I've turned my tiny little apartment into my quiet heaven, a haven that I truly feel peaceful in. Cluttered and privately sentimental, I can burn my candles and ignite my incense. I can dance stark naked and pamper my body. I can meditate and dream with an ease and freedom that I'm just now realizing I've never really had.
I'm realizing alot of things. I feel like a thick fog is lifting out of my mind and my very soul, as though the taint of the bad years and Iraq has been draining away. I'm terrified to trust it, and therein lies the quarrel. It's like I'm just waiting for the peace to shatter and find myself scared and defensive, ready to fight all over again. The serenity simply shot to hell. Interesting, I find I'm actually happy and full of actual energy, vibrant and nervous all at once...quite different than the energy of simply enduring and dredging on. My dreams are coming back with a lack on my part to control them. They're neither bad nor good...just kinda weird. I had one about AnjelWolf awhile back and woke up wondering what the hell that was about, mostly cause I've never met her (though I'd be very much honored to!).
Yes I realize I'm rambling, but I feel I owe the Trad Witchies here an explanation for my absence, not like I have much of an impact on things. Just...doing a lot of soul-searching and exploring facets of humanity I've never really considered before, or had the opportunity to. I'm so very sorry, as it's been very selfish, but I do enjoy the vibrant calm.
If you'd like a far less gloomy note, read my next blog about Bombay!